Originally posted 04/24/2016 at 9:51 pm 

A few days ago, Prince passed away. One of my favorite artists of all time, just like many of you. It got me to thinking about what to do when you suffer a loss or go through something difficult or heartbreaking. So this post is in his honor.

Life’s suckier moments can cause us a lot of pain, heartache, and distress. They are no fun at all. As human beings, we naturally do everything in our power to avoid pain and maximize pleasure. Pain sucks, I completely understand that! But, sometimes, in our quest to get rid of it, we actually end up prolonging it, until it becomes some giant monster we can’t get rid of. Many of us are still carrying baggage from things that happened years ago. Pain and displeasure are apart of life, so there’s no way to totally eliminate them. But, here are 3 things you can do to help move forward from it.

1. Be Honest About How You Feel

We’ve all been there: you’re upset, sad, angry, or hurt. But, when friends and family ask you how you’re doing, you say “I’m fine”. But, you’re not. You’ve just lied to those that love you, and  you’ve also been dishonest with yourself. You’re not fine. But you really feel like your emotions are a sign of weakness, and you don’t want to be weak, so you “suck it up”. And because you’re trying to convince everyone that you’re okay, now you have to act “fine”. You’ve also just squandered an opportunity for growth, because now your energies are focused on pretending instead of healing. This adds more pain to your situation, and makes you feel isolated and as though no one can relate.

Similarly, being honest with yourself is the Golden Rule. It is one of the greatest acts of love you can give yourself. It is an act of unconditional love, that says “I love and accept myself, no matter what I feel, and even when I’m not at my best.” Many of us feel that we love ourselves in the good, but what about the low points in life?

Those of us who lie to ourselves about how we feel and minimize our emotions have learned not to trust our inner voice. We feel that “negative” feelings are a sign of weakness, and so suppress them. But, all we are doing is communicating disrespect to ourselves. You are a human being and sadness and anger are all part of the human experience. But if you don’t completely love yourself, you will convince yourself that there is something wrong with your feelings, and then suppress them. Many people mock the person who is being so open with their emotions, but he/she is the one that actually loves themselves the most.

Important note: this doesn’t mean you need to tell EVERYONE how you feel, but we all have a core of one or more people we trust, and they can really help us through the more confusing and baffling situations in life. (I don’t know where I’d be without my core!) It’s okay to let them catch you when you fall.

2. You Have to Sit with the Pain

This is the hardest part. But, you just have to let yourself feel the pain. It sucks, you have to feel it, without trying to numb it. You have to let every wave of grief wash over you. Only then can you hope to heal from it. If you get a physical cut, your body will naturally go through a healing process. First, you bleed, then you scab, then you scar, and then eventually the scar starts to dissipate. We all accept this as a biological fact when it comes to our bodies, but not when it comes to our emotions. We try to wave a magic wand to go from bleeding to no scars immediately. But that is impossible.

While you’re bleeding, you just have to go into survival mode and take care of yourself. Take a day off from work (or more) if you need to. Allow yourself time to grieve and be sad.  Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Take some days to binge watch a TV show, read a book.

Remember that the bleeding is temporary and doesn’t last forever!

“You let time pass. That’s the cure. You survive the days. You float like a rabid ghost through the weeks. You cry and wallow and lament and scratch your way back up through the months. And then one day you find yourself alone on a bench in the sun and you close your eyes and lean your head back and you realize you’re okay.

-Cheryl Strayed, author of Brave Enough

3. Don’t Waste Your Suffering! Learn From it

At some point, you have to move forward. You do this by using the pain as an opportunity to learn and grow. Don’t waste your suffering! There are lessons in all situations, but especially the ones that shake us up. They can be real opportunities for us to get stronger if we allow them to be.

Going through a heartbreak can teach you valuable lessons about what you can do differently in your own relationships, moving forward. What improvements do you need to make within yourself, so you don’t constantly make the same mistakes? Painful situations are a jarring way of also exposing these things.

You have to try and move forward from the pain, in your own time, when you’re ready. And you do this by learning and eventually trying to repair yourself. Put another way, if a boat has leaks in it, you can’t put scotch tape on the leaks, you have to do the hard work of repairing them. When we don’t go through these steps or cheat them (ex: ignoring our pain by just binge watching TV, smoking, drinking, or staying in bed all day, etc.), we’re just putting scotch tape over leaks. Now, it’s okay to do some of that when you’re in pain (we do what we can to survive some days, I get it), but you can’t stay there forever and make it a lifestyle. You might get really good at stuffing these emotions down over time, but you’re not actually moving on or forward.

Remember this powerful quote!

Running away from or avoiding pain, really does stunt your growth and development. You would not be who you are today without going through pain and coming out the other side. If you’re sitting on your pain, all you are doing is stunting your own growth. It’s in that journey that we grow. Unless you’d like to keep repeating the same lessons over and over and over again–and go about it the hard way… I know I don’t!