What I learned about Myself from an Abusive Relationship

sankofa
It’s Sankofa month! Let’s look back at the past to move forward!

 

I am very proud of what I’m doing here by writing this blog! This is the biggest platform I’ve ever shared this story on so far, but I’m excited to do it. You’ll find that while there are definitely some sad moments in this post, it’s actually a celebratory piece! I’ve come so far and sometimes I can hardly believe that it’s only been a few years since all of this happened. There might be some moments that make you uncomfortable, but I encourage you to push through. Even if you have not been in an abusive relationship yourself, the important thing is to show you how transition and growth can come out of any situation, if you let it. I hope that what you take from this post is how much I’ve grown. I don’t regret anything that I’ve been through because it has gotten me here.

You see, this post might be helpful for you, but this is also also helpful for me too. Being honest about what I’ve been through, being open about it and not hiding in the shadows, is an act of self-love. I’m showing myself acceptance no matter what. And, really, that’s how you make your confidence and self-love grow–not by pretending to have it all together, not by pretending to be perfect, and definitely not by living in shame!

 

My Story

I was 16 when I met my ex and he was 18 or 19. When my ex and I started out, he showed me a lot of beautiful love, and he was very protective of me. We were on two different paths: me, in a private high school, and him without a diploma, making money on the streets. Despite being brilliant, he was one of so many young Black males who had been failed by the education system. While I’d grown up with stable parents and people forcing me to stay on top of things, he grew up watching his role models battle drug addictions. He battled a variety of traumas in his childhood that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Looking back, it’s not surprising to me how we got where we ended up.

We dated off and on for the next 9.5 years. The relationship started out with respect and mutual love, but then, as we got older, and our paths got more and more divergent (me graduating from college and him in and out of jail), things changed. He got more depressed; being in and out prison in this society had taken its toll on him. When I came home from college, I had to take care of my ill mother 24/7, which started to make me feel isolated and cut off from others. I started getting depressed too, and we developed a codependent relationship: two very unhealthy people getting together. I remember that time vividly: we NEEDED each other, then, and in an unhealthy way. But despite needing to be around each other all the time, we would fight a lot. We’d fight about how he kept selling drugs, and then eventually we began fighting about other women. He started to feel entitled to cheat on me, and started to blame it on my lack of acceptance of his lifestyle. I was so depressed and isolated that after a while, I stopped battling. I started to internalize what he was saying, and even tried to be more accepting of his lifestyle. But nothing worked.

And then things really took an even worse turn, when he started using hard drugs (which up until now, he had always refused to do). Our arguments got more explosive, and he started physically intimidating me to shut me up. He would push me up against walls, and yell in my face. I’ll never forget that first time he called me a “bitch”. It stung so much, and he knew it would.

Each time this happened, I would leave him for a while, but eventually he would apologize and I would think about depressed he was, how his grandmother had died, how difficult it was for him to find a legit job, and I’d excuse his behavior. One day though, he slapped me. And I suddenly had to face the ugliness I’d found myself in. I wish I could say that I never talked to him again after that. But, I left him for a few months, and as time erased some of the sting, I tried going back to him multiple times (always with promises that he was different). He’d try, but I didn’t trust him. I was changing and I knew that his behavior was something I could no longer tolerate or justify.

Things I’ve Learned From Going Through it

1. People who hurt others are deeply hurting, themselves. It’s true that people who are hurt and dealing with their own issues, can really hurt others. What a lot of people don’t understand is that the abuser is also a suffering human being. Legitimately suffering. We are quick to discount them as monsters, but they are people who need help too. As a young Black man in our society, my ex had been exposed to abuse, terrible living conditions, drug abuse, lack of adequate education and resources. These conditions have real psychological impacts on people. He had a lot of pain he didn’t know how to heal. (This has only deepened my commitment to activist work, to keep people from having to grow up like this.)

2. Despite his pain, it’s not my responsibility to “heal” anyone. If you’ve never been in an abusive relationship, you might wonder why the “victim” would stay. In my case, I stuck around because I felt like I could help heal his suffering. I thought, “If I leave, what will happen?” But that was a manipulative situation he exploited. And, as my dad says, some people “need to be fed with a long-handled spoon”–i.e. get the hell away from them! People can only be helped if they want it. 

I started to realize that I was better than this, and the abuse was only going to get worse. His suffering can’t be an excuse for violent behavior–none of ours is. I can want the best for him, but from a VERY BIG distance.

Today, I’m in a healthy relationship. I’ve come to realize that each person in the relationship is responsible for their own baggage. We are each responsible for taking care of our own mental health and wellbeing. We come together as two whole individuals, not looking for completion in the other person.

3. I allowed it to keep happening. An autopsy of the relationship over several years helped me to see my ownership in the situation. I don’t believe that people have the right to put their hands on anyone OR disrespect them–no matter what they have said or done. So, I’m not suggesting that I did something that was worthy of being hit for.

BUT, what I did come to realize is that my part in all of this was that I had accepted it. Initially, I saw myself as a victim, but that is disempowering and also somewhat misleading. In my case, I had more power than I realized. There were so many times that I had willingly chosen him, and kept choosing him. I kept opting into disempowerment repeatedly. Long before he put his hands on me, he became emotionally abusive and verbally lashed out at me. I needed to go deep and explore what was going on within me that I would allow myself to be treated that way. There was something broken inside of me.

I later came to understand that my own self-worth was tied up in being needed by him. I got my own savior’s complex from being needed–and need me he did! And, he was good looking, and for someone who had felt ugly for years, it was the ultimate validation for him to choose me.

 

4. Your partner is a reflection of what’s going on with you. When we choose partners, our choices are not random or mere preferences, they are a reflection of what is going on within ourselves. Our choices in mates mirror back to us our own self-love or self-hate. They are reflections of what we feel we deserve.

Today, my fiance reflects a totally different image back to me: love, kindness, vulnerability, consideration, patience, respect. That is not by accident either. Many people will chalk that up to the “luck of meeting a nice guy”. But that’s B.S! I’m sure if I could rewind the tape of my life, there would be plenty of “nice guys” along the way that I wasn’t interested in! My wounded soul only felt worthy of another wounded soul. I started to feel like my ex was the only person who understood me, because he understood pain, suffering, and low self-esteem. We spoke that same language, and created our own little universe of suffering together.  

 

As I share this experience with you today, I have forgiven him, as a human being. I will never forget or approve of the behavior! I will always continue to be an advocate against domestic violence. It’s taken me years of separation and work to get to this point. If you’re in an abusive relationship, you need to get help right away. Take it from me, it will only get worse!

Every situation we go through–including the most painful ones–has lessons to teach. I think it’s the only reason that I haven’t repeated the patterns from that relationship in other ones. With therapy, friendship, and family, I was able to move forward.

 

Are there any situations you need to move forward from or forgive?  

dumbledore-quote

Comments

  1. My dear Ayana,

    This is such a well written, well-thought out piece. Thank you for sharing this experience. Kudos for your courage in doing so.

    I’m so glad you were able to separate yourself from that relationship. And even more delighted that you found Nathan and together produced Khai. Yeah!

    1. Thrive & Be Whole

      Thank you so much, Kiilu! We often feel like these are the experiences we need to hide in the dark for. BUT doing that only makes the pain stay. Thank you so much for reading my story! And giving me such lovely feedback

  2. Alana

    It was so powerful reading this knowing you then and how far you have come. I am so proud of you for honoring/loving yourself and breaking the cycle. You have such an important task in raising a daughter. Having gone through this, I know you’re going to be such an incredible resource and support to her as she navigates her own relationships and works to find her self. God works so majestically, and as I know you know every step on the journey has brought you to this place. Love you!

    1. Thrive & Be Whole

      I’m smiling so much right now. Thank you for your kind words! I really hope that inspiration to her. I also hope she feels comfortable coming to me, and letting me in!

  3. Anette

    This post was the one that resonated with me the most. I really appreciate you for sharing your story in public. This means so much to me, especially to a woman of color. I already told you about this (mentioned it personally) but when I touched on this subject with my seniors for the ethnic studies class, the girls had such a powerful response. I hope to see this in our classrooms because the girls and boys asked me such personal things and I really hope we can have such discussions in the classrooms. 🙂 Again, thank you so much for sharing!

    1. Thrive & Be Whole

      Thank you so much!!! This is beautiful! And thanks for your openness. That’s how we heal and move forward!

      I also talked to my students about it, and they had so many questions. It was a powerful moment.

  4. Pingback: 4 Things I Did to Make Peace with My Mom’s Illness – Thrive & Be Whole!

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