How to Fight So EVERYONE Wins

Picture it. Oakland, 2017. Around 7am on a recent Sunday morning, I woke up early to help my sick 2 year-old, as I heard her sniffling and crying in her room. The night before had been insane, with her not FINALLY falling asleep until well after 11pm (despite being in bed at 9). She had spent much of the night sniffling, sneezing, fussing, and breaking my heart with her cries. But despite her early wake up time, I was able to soothe her relatively easily. I was even able to sit down and write a reflective blog post–my first in months–and I was feeling happy and content! I couldn’t believe how wonderful I felt from these accomplishments, if maybe a little tired. And then, when my husband woke up, we had a nice peaceful morning, as we watched a little bit of the news together and chatted.

Suddenly, the peaceful start to my day went South. As my husband went to get our daughter from her room, I heard him shout out in surprise. When I got into the room, I saw what had freaked him out: there were reddish pink stains everywhere! All over my baby’s bed! On her walls, on her clothes! Oh no! Was it BLOOD?! And then we saw the half empty bottle of Children’s Tylenol sitting near her crib–the one that I had used to give her some medicine earlier that morning–and had carelessly left within her grasp. Thankfully it was all on her, and not in her!

“Why did you leave the Tylenol there?! Why would you leave it right there?!” he snapped impatiently.

(A valid reaction. To tell you the truth, I would have felt the same way if the shoes was on the other foot.) But, all of a sudden, I was PISSED! Oh my God! I thought. He’s being so rude! Is he calling me a bad mom?! How can he question my mothering skills!?! I’m with our daughter ALL the time! And I was with her ALL DAY yesterday! If I had a nickel for every time HE’S accidentally left something potentially harmful around her, I’d be rich! I can’t BELIEVE he’s jumping down my throat! AND I’ve been taking care of her this morning so he could sleep in! Is he serious right now?!?!

So I immediately rushed to defend myself and launched a verbal assault at him, guilt trip and all. I yelled at him, brought up EVERY incident I could think of where HE had left a lighter, scissors, or other objects near her and how I always had to clean it up, without giving him shit for it. I even closed the door and made him stay in the room with me, while I continued my verbal barrage. Couple FightingAnd, I hate to admit it, but some of these dramatic scene took place in front of our daughter. She watched how I cried, yelled, and then finally stormed out of the house. Yes, it got THAT real.

Now, immediately after I left the house, I knew I had screwed up. Does that mean he had been totally blameless? No. But here are the 3 things I’ve learned from that fight that I could’ve done differently:

  • Be respectful and calm, ESPECIALLY around children. Now In the heat of the moment, it’s easier said than done. But, trust me, there’s a level of anger that if you reach it, nothing productive will get accomplished anyways. And your continued fighting can cause damage to all around you. If the fight gets particularly heated, try to figure out where you and your partner both got triggered, and aim to take a break or “Time-out” right before you get to that point. Then, resolve to talk about it later when you’ve both calmed down. It actually took me analyzing a couple of arguments to really figure out where I had gotten triggered. I’ve gotten to the point where I can now feel an initial wave of anger coming on in an argument, and I use it as a physical cue to respond differently or take a break. And shockingly, I now recognize these waves in my husband too. One way to really take yourself back to that moment and pinpoint when you got triggered is to journal about the details of the fight or going through it in detail with someone.
  • Be clear about what you’re REALLY fighting about. Stay on topic. Don’t bring up a bunch of old stuff, because the fight will evolve into an indictment of your entire relationship. That is really damaging. Now you’ve gone from one issue that feels solvable (spilt Tylenol, feeling hurt because you feel attacked in this moment) to a monumental issue that makes you feel like the whole relationship is doomed (you ALWAYS criticize me, you don’t THINK I’m good enough). The latter point of view will make you want to throw in the towel, and over time can create resentment.
  • Recognize your Baggage, your partner’s, and how they both impact communication. In a later moment of clarity, take ownership of your issues, and try not to take it personally when your partners’ creep up. Now he was definitely annoyed about the Tylenol, and that triggered my insecurities, but was he really trying to indict me for being a “bad mom”? Probably not. (I guess he probably wouldn’t be married to me.) But it’s interesting how quickly we let our own insecurities and issues creep into our relationships and start driving the car. I had my own insecurities and fears that I had projected onto my husband: fear because I was concerned about my daughter’s safety and whether or not she had ingested half a bottle of Tylenol; guilt about being a bad mom; my secret need to feel like a Supermom; my short fuse from being 8 months pregnant and hormonal; fatigue from the night before; and also my own resentments over having to watch our daughter all the time during the recently ended basketball season while he coached 6 days a week, etc. As a result I had verbally thrown up all over my husband. But the point is, my baggage is my own (and vice-versa), and the more aware you become aware of your issues and accept that they are your own, the less you let them out on your partner. The more you accept the same about your partner, the less affected you get by their baggage too; in some arguments his baggage takes over.   

Remember, you are not a terrible person. Just like with any other skill, practice makes perfect! When you go back to your partner calmly, be sure to approach them ready to apologize for anything YOU did and admit where YOU went wrong. And struggle is just a wasted painful experience if you don’t learn anything from it, so resolve to do something differently and tell your partner about this. It changes the whole nature of the conversation. A few days later, when I felt triggered again, I took a moment to pause and “Time Out” and I was shocked at how calmly I was able to express my feelings later! So far, I’ve been able to use “Time Out” a few times since then when I start to feel triggered, and I’ve been able to express when something hurt my feelings, without it turning into an epic smackdown.
What can YOU do to improve your argument style?

Comments

    1. Thrive & Be Whole

      Thank you! Sometimes you gotta figure this out the hard way 😉

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