3/16/16

I was late for work this morning. I had a ridiculous time leaving the house this morning because I lost my keys. I was trying out a new work schedule that I was excited about and everything was going smoothly, until I. LOST. MY. KEYS. And I mean LOST. They were so lost, that I convinced myself they were in my fiance’s car, left at Costco the day before, or dropped outside the front door. I stood outside in the pouring rain, checking under my car and in other insane places outside the house. And after 25 minutes of running around the house like a chicken with my head cut off, I finally found the keys. Were they in the gutters? On the sidewalk? No. After all that, I was shocked to see that they were in the purse that I had searched through three times already, and swore they were not in. They were neatly zipped in the pocket, mocking me. Laughing at my pain.

I couldn’t even believe it. Have you ever lost something and driven yourself crazy trying to find it? I was hot, sweating, and cursing up a storm. If anyone had witnessed my little episode, I’m sure they would’ve committed me.

You see, it wasn’t really about the keys. Now of course it’s annoying to lose your keys for 30 minutes and fall off track. My baby was late to daycare and I was late to work. But, Key-gate was really exposing some deeper issues under the surface. And so, today I write this blog as an ode to all of life’s many annoyances and what is actually pissing us off.

So, if the keys are really a much smaller factor in my stress, what else was driving me so nuts?!

Well, in being totally honest, there was the resentment I felt at having to go to a job that I was slowly starting to frustrate me more and more. Resentment at having to wake up and give so much energy to a job that was no longer feeding my soul. A job that was constantly taking, without giving back. I’m a highschool teacher, which means I get plenty of intellectual stimulation and I get to help my students, but the working conditions are exhausting. You know what it’s like! Waking up at 5:30am everyday to get to a job where the work is never done, where the needs never stop.

But, it wasn’t just about that either. I think this is where many of us stop our analysis of a bad mood. We blame it on that job we hate, or that family member who stressed us out. But if we take a deeper look, we often find that there is more to it.

I also had resentment towards MYSELF. How, you ask? For having planned out a PERFECTLY scheduled day that was now going to get ruined. Afterall, it was my own mistake that caused me to fall behind. It’s taken me years to become as organized as I am now (and believe me, I’m definitely still a work in progress). And so getting off base from the plan can sometimes feel heartbreaking and stressful. Lack of organization has had devastating effects on my finances, my mom’s finances (that I take care of), accomplishing my goals, etc. So, when I have disorganized moments, it takes me back to a time in my life when I was out of control and everything was chaotic. A time when I didn’t love myself enough. There is a lot of fear and shame associated with this time period.

Those keys inadvertently made me feel like a failure, by reminding me of my imperfection. Often, without realizing it, we get stressed out over “small” things that really have deeper significance. The root of the key issue is the shame I’ve often felt for not being perfect. Right now, my many plates are full, and I’m delicately balancing all of them in the air like a juggler. I had perfectly planned out when I would leave the house, my to-do list, what time each task would get done, etc. And by being on time initially, I was able to feel proud of myself!  It made me feel like I was getting closer to “perfection”, as though I’m blossoming into someone who has her s*** together. And then, those keys spit on me, reminding me of my self-doubt and inadequacy.

As you can imagine, I continued my commute and continued to be in a bad mood. Eventually, I was able to remember that while this was stressful in the moment, it didn’t need to ruin my day! It’s taken me a long time to get this point, where I have tools that help me overcome that level of stress. There was a time when because of all this self-doubt and insecurity, a “bad morning” would’ve been meant a bad day. I would’ve carried all of the negative energy of self-doubt and disappointment  (brought on by missing keys) to the rest of the day. But, now through a lot of self-work, my philosophy and mindset have changed significantly. I’ve come to realize some important truths:

• I am aware that these “minor annoyances” and “little stressors” really tap into our deepest fears. Our fears come up in really profound and unexpected ways! When they come up now, I’m starting to see them for what they are: triggers for my Perfectionism. What I have come to learn is that our desire for perfection is nothing more than fear of being seen as unworthy. We all want to be accepted, and I sometimes feel that unless I get everything done or do it all perfectly, I’m not worthy of acceptance and love. That’s what I feel is at the root of stress; it’s actually triggering some deeper fear that we have. And while, I will always have fear, it doesn’t have to run the show all the time.

• I am also aware there is no such thing as perfection. Unfortunately, our society has taught us to strive for this damaging illusion. The point of life is not our to get things done perfectly. It’s impossible. So we really need to stop trying. Life is about how we respond to missing keys. How we respond to the cracks in the foundation. How we respond to those moments that would make us feel like a stable foundation is being threatened. Like our sense of self and security is being threatened. It’s in these moments that we choose to be happy or not. To be obsessive about a to-do list and a schedule, or to choose happiness and to go with the flow. To be perfectionistic and rigid. OR  to realize that life has these natural ebbs and flows, and is sometimes just comically ridiculous, and to eventually move on from the irritation. All too often, we let our happiness be affected and controlled by external factors. It’s taken me this long to realize that we actually choose happiness. t’s an internal process.

In the immortal words of John Lennon, legendary musician from The Beatles, puts it “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans”. So, just go with the flow, and don’t let the small stuff trip you up!

What small things stress you out and why?